Some loves are voluntary, like a step or a wave of my hand. They're deliberate, purposeful. They're growing and becoming. I love, actively. I learn this love.
Some loves are like a heartbeat - involuntary. I never chose this, it's stronger than I. This love is deep. I can't stop or control it any more than I can direct the blood through my veins. This love is essential, the wood-grain of my being.
But this. This love is an inhale. It's as vital as my heartbeat, but for a moment I can control it. I can hold my breath, stop the rhythm, hungry lungs burning. Against my will it returns, inhale and exhale. It's been with me so long I sometimes hardly notice it. Maybe someday it will change, go one way or the other. It could become a hand wave or a vein, either something I can let go or a piece of my soul.
But for now, there it is. Balanced, tense, peaceful.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
God knows my heartbeats.
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